Intimacy you have no energy for
After exhausting months Dzvinka wants hugs but not sex, and she fears her partner will read this as a rejection of closeness.
Oleh has noticed that his desire changed after he started treatment. He feels awkward, but this information matters for a conversation with his doctor.
After work Lavrin scrolls through the news in the kitchen until midnight. He comes to bed when his wife is already asleep, and over the last few months intimacy has become rare.
For Dzvinka and Lavrin desire has faded along with tiredness and constant tension, while Oleh should tell the doctor who prescribed his treatment about the change. Other possible causes are listed in the section “What can lower desire”.
Is your situation different? The section “In what way has your desire changed?” can help you describe the change in your own words.
What can lower desire
Desire can change with demands, sleep, mood, relationships, hormonal changes or medicines. Tell your doctor if you have pain during intimacy. Assessment centres on your experience and distress, not a universal normal frequency of sex.
A doctor may think of depression when the decrease in desire comes with persistently low mood and a loss of interest in pleasant things. A decrease in libido on its own does not yet mean that you have depression.
If you want to understand the cause, you can talk it over with a doctor at a consultation.
Consultation booking form.What to notice in yourself and your relationship
First, pay attention to sleep, stress levels, physical wellbeing, your relationship, and any pain or other discomfort during sexual activity.
When desire has decreased along with chronic fatigue or depression, improvement in the underlying condition may gradually affect sexual functioning too. When there are difficulties in a relationship, a calm conversation about intimacy, expectations and needs, without putting pressure on yourself or your partner, can help.
If desire decreased after you started treatment, your doctor can assess whether this is linked to the medicine and adjust treatment if necessary. You should not change the dose or stop taking the medicine on your own.
In what way has your desire changed?
Decreased libido is a decrease in sexual desire, interest in sexual activity or sexual fantasies compared with a person’s usual level. As you answer these questions, try not to blame yourself:
- When did your sexual desire decrease, and how different is this from your usual state?
- Did the change happen gradually or suddenly?
- Has interest decreased in all sexual activity or only in certain situations?
- Do sexual fantasies or spontaneous desire still occur?
- Do you have difficulty with arousal or orgasm?
- Does pain or discomfort occur during sexual contact?
The main question is whether the change troubles you yourself.
Interest and energy gone as well?
Check whether one of these descriptions is closer to you:
- Loss of interest in usual activities. It is not only intimacy you want less of, but also hobbies, meeting people and things you used to do.
- Nothing feels enjoyable. Intimacy and other pleasant things no longer bring pleasure, even when they happen.
- Constant fatigue. You do not have the strength for anything, and desire fades along with it.
These states can occur together, and one does not rule out another.
How to prepare for talking with a doctor
If you have physical complaints along with the decrease in desire, see a family doctor first of all: tell them when your desire changed, which medicines you take and whether you have pain or other changes in how you feel.
If intimacy is hard to bring up, take a look at the initial psychiatric consultation page: it explains how the first conversation with a doctor is structured. Their page will tell you which concerns each of the clinic’s doctors works with.
Choosing the right specialist
- If decreased libido appeared for no clear reason, persists for a long time, causes marked distress or comes with other physical changes – marked fatigue, menstrual irregularities, pain during sex, erectile problems, significant hormonal changes or other physical symptoms, have a medical check-up.
- If desire changed after you started treatment, tell the doctor who prescribed the medicine; do not change the dose or stop taking it on your own.
- If decreased sexual desire comes with low mood, anhedonia, anxiety, chronic stress or other marked changes in your mental state, it is worth seeing a mental health professional.
- If the problem is mainly related to your relationship, sexual pain, fear of intimacy or an unpleasant sexual experience, working with a psychotherapist or sexual health specialist may help.
If point 3 is closer to you, book a consultation. For the conversation, it is enough to recall when you noticed the change.
Consultation booking form.Common questions
Not necessarily. Desire is influenced by many circumstances. A conversation without pressure and an assessment of changes can help clarify what is happening.